On November 25th, 2017, my whole world turned upside down. I was living in New York City but at home with my family in New Jersey for Thanksgiving weekend at the time. That’s when we received the news that would alter our lives and my family’s journey forever. My older brother, Brian, unexpectedly passed away.
Brian wasn’t with my family at the time of his passing. In fact, it had been a few months since I had even seen him. He had been dealing with mental health issues for a while, which is a story to dive into at another time, but the unfortunate result was him isolating from our family prior to his death. When I re-tell this story, I often don’t know where to begin or how to take people on my journey over the past year and nine months. To say the waters have been treacherous would be an understatement. For the past twenty-one or so months, I have simply been trying to keep myself afloat. At the drop of a hat on that very day, navigating young adulthood suddenly became that much scarier.
I was 23 years old at the time, which seems like a lifetime ago considering I am now 25…ah the mid twenties, sigh. Although I have always been prone to anxiety, I felt like I was dealing with the typical woes of being a young adult in New York City when I was 23. I was in a very rigorous media training program, in a serious relationship, and figuring out how to survive in a ridiculously expensive city. Even though I had my hardships, I felt like I was on a clear path...I was unstoppable! Well, if I was headed on the right side of that path, suddenly I was thrown over to the left. I had so many questions after my brother’s death: What was my life going to look like now? Has my world view changed? Who will I turn to for support? Should I move back in with my family? I had no idea what to do.
Rather abruptly, I did decide to up and leave NYC to move back home with my family in New Jersey. I knew my parents needed the extra support at home. I left behind a career that I felt like I worked my whole life for. It wasn't until months living at home that it truly felt like I threw off my entire life by deciding to quit my job after experiencing this traumatic event. That is when I felt this new pessimistic view of life creeping in on me. I wasn't sleeping well. I either had no appetite or consumed too much comfort food. I cried almost every day. I became an actor in my own life. Everything was completely foreign to me.
It took months and months of feeling numb to finally take matters into my own hands. I decided to seek out a therapist, began incorporating yoga into my weekly routine, started running again, and slowly began to feel more like myself. Even now, almost two years later, I am still not my “old self.” I often find that I mourn the loss of who I used to be. It’s a battle every day to figure out how I will let my brother’s death define me, but I know I am not alone on this unthinkable journey. Almost two years later, this is the perspective that grief has given me. I once heard the quote, “Grief isn't something you get over, it’s something you get through.” Well, I’m still learning to get through it on daily basis. I know that I will never feel fully healed, but the fog will eventually lift enough to see the blue skies.
Have you lost someone close to you? How has it changed your perspective on life? Do you have any advice for those coping with loss?
*If you are struggling or in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is there to help! With help, comes hope.*
